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· Registered
175 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Jokes !

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It
is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best
to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter
comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very
tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

· Registered
175 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
A farmer bought a very expensive rooster from his friend on the next farm on the promise the rooster would service every hen the farm had.
In the farmyard , the farmer gave Roy, the rooster a pep talk. "Roy, I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money."

Roy took off like a shot and did his duty with every hen in the henhouse - three times over. Then Roy made for the duck pen and repeated the act. Later the farmer saw Roy take off after a flock of geese and again have his fun.

The farmer was distraught. He was worried his expensive rooster would not last even 24 hours. Sure enough, the next morning, the farmer woke to find Roy stone cold in the middle of the yard.

Vultures were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a dedicated and expensive animal, shook his head and said: "Oh Roy, I told you t pace yourself, now look what you've done to yourself."

Roy opened one eye, nodded toward the vultures circling in the sky and said: "Shhh, they're getting closer."

· Registered
175 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
The Rooster!

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!!!

· Registered
175 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After
looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give blowjobs. "Blowjobs?" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month." he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained Froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied,

"If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone !"

· Weekend Warrior
Nissan patrol
10,367 Posts
Heard a cracker? Tell us!

I mean any kind of joke - any discrimination in the name of a good joke is accepted.

Ol start it off!

Why cant Abos get AIDS?

They never get off their ass.

· Registered
10 Posts
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy?. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then?. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,


Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

· Registered
115 Posts
There's this bloke gets a new job at one of these new big one stop shops..
It has everything you could possibly want under one roof.
Taking him around the first day his boss explains that as a salesman he is expected to make around 15 sales a day, but not to worry if he only makes a few a day for the first few weeks.

At the end of the day the boss comes back over to him asking how many sales he made today.
Proudly he says, ' One sale boss'.
'Only one sale, how much was it worth?'
'100 grand' he tells the boss
'What on Earth did you sell?'
'Well I was showing this man the fishing hooks, he decided on a few of them as well as some other tackle. He then decided he needed a new rod and reel as well. As we were walking to the registers he noticed our boating section. So i showed him around and he ended up with a new boat too. Well he didnt have anything big enough to tow the boat so he bought a car as well.'

The boss is astonished, ' So your telling me a bloke came in to buy fishing hooks and you sold him new tackle, rod, reel, a boat AND a new car??'

'Oh no no no... He came in to buy tampons for his wife'
"I told him 'Well your weekends f***ed, you might as well go fishing!!'"

· Registered
55 Posts
A Qld'er walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'

' pay $10 and if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first... Those are the rules,'
says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the
bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila,
and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull
chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling,
biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

· Registered
315 Posts
old chook goes to the doc and sez "doctor i have a funny discharge" before she could finish the dor sez "take your pants off" and slips a couple of fingers in and asks " how does that feel " to which the old girl replies " oh wonderful , but the discharge is from my ear".

· there anybody in there?
296 Posts
7 Englishmen & an Irishman R standing in a rape line up, then the victim walks in, Paddy steps forward & shouts " that's her !!! the ungreatfull fat s*#t !!!!

· Registered
36 Posts
A bloke went out to pub one night for three beers, he returned five hours later with a chook under his arm, crashed through the kitchen and lounge room mumbling to the chook Ive won the chook raffle Ive won the chook raffle.
looking for the Mrs he ends up in the bedroom.
LOOK HERE!!! This is the pig that Ive been rooting for years !!! His Mrs looks up bleary eyed and says, what are you on about that's a bloody chook not a pig....
The fella answers I was talking to the bloody chook.....

· Registered
66 Posts
greenie revenge!
The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, and told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
The doctor, who was no environmentalist, listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area' . .... .

· Registered
1,971 Posts
One for the mexicans

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of XXXX smiled and said, "Make mine a XXXX Gold."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of Carlton paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well, he said with a shrug, if you poofters aren't drinking beer,then neither will I."

· Slow, Rough and Expensive
1,128 Posts
It has been reported that TAMPAX will sponser the NSW Origin side next year,NRL Chairman says that they are the perfect sponser for a bunch of c**ts going through a bad period:D
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