Joke Thread

Risk of a banning here….



Mike Tyson on a promotional tour of the UK goes into a bar.

He walks up and asks the gaffer for a pint and then proceeds to knock it straight back.

After the 5th pint in a row he leaps up on the bar and shouts, “Mike Tyson, 250 pounds and I screw white women.”

A hush comes over the bar, but no one says a word, and Mike climbs down and orders another pint.

Another 3 pints later, the same thing, up on the bar and shouts “Mike Tyson, 250 pounds and I fark white women.”

As Tyson climbs down little paddy walks up, climbs up on a stool and whispers in Tyson ear.

Next thing you know Tyson lets fly with a hard right that knocks little paddy clean across the room and he marches out.

The rest of the punters rush over and ask little paddy, "paddy, paddy, what did you say to Mike Tyson, and little paddy answer..

“to be sure, if I had 250 pounds I would not be screwin no ***** either”.

(It’s a joke people, no offence meant)

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can’t tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound is you must become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ....

















... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


(Yeh, I know, but my old aged aunty sent it to me, what do you expect..)

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room, and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...



No wait... Sorry..

I'm thinking of whisky.
It’s whisky that does all that shyte.
Never mind.

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Julia Gillard has announced she intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

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The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil

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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

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A young Arab asks his father: -

What is this weird hat that we are wearing?

Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing

It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!

Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son? Then, why the f**k are we living in Penrith?

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Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"

Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."

Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your f**king lot."

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I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!

She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

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CCN news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.

They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement. It was a mortar attack.

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An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Centrelink in Blacktown.

The locals are said to be in a state of shock; They had no f**king idea they had a centrelink!

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Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

They sent my Census form back!!

In answer to the question; 'Do you have any dependants?',

I put;

'Asylum seekers, smack heads, unemployable bastards, oil companies, banks and the Federal Government.'

....apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer!

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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

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Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

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After a major piss up last night I awoke to find myself next to one of the ugliest fattest dogs you could imagine.

That's when I realised I'd made it home safely.

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Paddy says "Mick I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Don't do that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind".

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Man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg".

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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

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My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am.

Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

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A man walks into a Kiwi pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.....
"Where are you from? You sound Australian"
"Yes, I'm from across the ocean," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the ocean?"
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us".

Another selfish athlete, this is the kind of crap that just pisses you off, really!
Wimbledon hopeful Simona Halep wants surgery to reduce the size of her breasts.
Halep is seen as one of the tennis stars of the future after winning a host of junior titles and a place in the final of the Junior French Open last year.

But the 5-foot-5-inch Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust is holding her back.

"This autumn I'll have a breast reduction operation" Halep said. "The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play." "It's the weight that troubles me and my ability to react quickly" she added.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THIS KID THAT WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING!
THIS SELF-CENTERED SPOILED LITTLE BRAT SHOULDN'T BE SO CONSUMED
WITH "WINNING MAJOR TENNIS TOURNAMENTS"!
WHAT ABOUT US - THE HARD-WORKING EVERY DAY FAN .... ?

34DD? PEOPLE PAY TOP MONEY FOR JUGS LIKE THAT!
AND THIS LITTLE BRAT WANTS TO HAVE THEM REDUCED?
JUST PISSES ME OFF ... SELFISH ATHLETE THAT SHE IS...

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AN ELDERLY LADY WAS STANDING AT THE RAILING OF THE CRUISE SHIP HOLDING HER HAT TIGHT SO THAT IT WOULD NOT BLOW AWAY IN THE WIND.

A GENTLEMAN APPROACHED HER AND SAID, "PARDON ME, MADAM.. I DO NOT INTEND TO BE FORWARD BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT YOUR DRESS IS BLOWING UP IN THIS HIGH WIND?"

"YES, I KNOW," SAID THE LADY. "I NEED BOTH MY HANDS TO HOLD ONTO THIS HAT."

"BUT MADAM, YOU MUST KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES AND YOUR PRIVATES ARE EXPOSED!" SAID THE GENTLEMAN IN EARNEST.

THE WOMAN LOOKED DOWN, THEN BACK UP AT THE MAN AND REPLIED, "SIR, ANYTHING YOU SEE DOWN THERE IS 75 YEARS OLD. I JUST BOUGHT THIS HAT YESTERDAY!"

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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips? he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.

Will that make me a better gunfighter? asked the young man.

Sure will, replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. That’s terrific! said the hot shot. Got any more tips for me?

Yep, said the old man. Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.

Will that make me a better gunfighter? asked the younger man.

You bet it will, said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player. Wow! exclaimed the cowboy I’m learnin’ somethin’ here.

Got any more tips? So the old man pointed to a large can in a corner. See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. No, said the old-timer, I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.

Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

No, said the old-timer, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that there pianie, he’s gonna shove that gun right up your ass and it aint gonna hurt near as much.

TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK

A public school teacher was arrested today at JFK International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by President Obama

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow shortly

Politically Incorrect

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, its Africa.
…

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.
…

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
…

A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Lakeland, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
…

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
…

A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache".
…

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
…

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip,
I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.
…

The Rotary knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan .
I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.
…

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewelry to the charity shops. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house". Then disown me and never talk to me again. Oh yeah, and don't forget to write me out of your
will and leave my share to my brother.

Well, she didn't actually put it like that... she actually said......

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Farking Arab'

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shyte out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big croc, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the shyte out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arse-hole and a briefcase.”

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk', worth 70 points or None at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers.
He got an A


Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time ... just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Granddad, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single arsehole, blind basterd, dipshyte, or son of a bytch anywhere we went!"


"What's your name ?"
"Colin Fuking Wilson"
"Do you suffer from Tourettes Colin ?"
"No, but the vicar Christening me did".


Ryan Giggs today admitted suffering from homesickness saying that although he's happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally.


I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning !


Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's". These women are certainly more forward these days.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.


Wayne Rooney has had a hair transplant. That's a bit like putting a thatched roof on a shyte house...... it might keep the flies off but ultimately there is still a large turd underneath.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's.... His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

Why guns are better then women;

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
---

A man goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a “Bin Laden”

“What’s that”, asked the bartender.

The man says, “two shots and a splash of water.

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

"He was at his best when the going was good." Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor

"There but for the grace of God goes God." Winston Churchill

"If I am reading this graph correctly I'd be very surprised." Stephen Colbert

"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing after they have tried everything else." Winston Churchill

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." Dorothy Parker

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." Winston Churchill

“She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." P. G. Wodehouse

"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." Emo Phillips

"If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker." Homer Simpson

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." Mitch Hedberg

"I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." Bill Hicks

Some of these appear on user accounts; they must have got the same email….



Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with, 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and then call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

One Sunday morning a few weeks ago, I found my dyslexic friend covering his willy with black shoe polish. I said "No no Frank ... Today you have to turn your clock back!"



A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"