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Joke Thread

367888 Views 3277 Replies 312 Participants Last post by  rgren2
Jokes !

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It
is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best
to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter
comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very
tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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This is an old one.

A aboriginal / australian man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check and marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent”.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

The Man, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bull****tin' me!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well, you started it!'
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What song do you never want to hear live?

Don't let the sun go down on me.

Boom Boom.
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I always thought the child of a prostitute was called a Brothel Sprout.
I was walking through the mall and went into a Muslim Bookshop.

The assistant asked if he could help me, so I asked for a book on “Australian Muslim Immigration Policy”.

He said, 'fcuk off, get out, and stay out ' .

I said, ‘Yes, that’s the one’.
Good one, saw it on the Pickering Post acoupladaysago.
A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows, it will cost a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed off and shanked it right through the window off the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. Lets go apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come in.”

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke that window?”

“Yes, sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“No actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish and keep one for myself.”

“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for life.”

“No problem, its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.

“I want a house in every country in the world,” said the wife.

“Consider it done,” the genie replied.

“And what is your wish, genie?” the husband asked.

“Well since I have been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looked at the wife and said, “Well we did get a lot of money, and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” It was OK with the wife too.

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over the, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“He’s 35 and I’m 33,” she replied.

“And you both believe in genies? That’s amazing....”
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Two Muslims in a Toyota Tarago have driven off a cliff in Sydney, both are dead.
Officers at the scene said it was an appalling tragedy as the vehicle was capable of seating seven.
Just saw this on another forum.


SMART ARSE ANSWER 5 It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 4 A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSE ANSWER 3 The policeman got out of his car and the Teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window "I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 2 A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed Teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
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Why was 6 afraid of 7 ?..........

Because 7,8,9........ :headwall: Sorry about that...:)
Dad joke. Almost as good as "Pull my finger".
How good is that one.
Ha ha ha gold. :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, whenhe gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinningfrom ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks foreverybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given

birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25

pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's

about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a

typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid

many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually

fainted due to sympathy pains.Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartendersays, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire

baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in

two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little

suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25pounds the day he was born!'The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer,

wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender

and proudly says-------

'Had him circumcised...'
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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bar tender says "but you're a duck".
The duck says "I see your eyes work OK".
The bar tender says "and you can talk too".
The duck says " and your ears work fine also, could I please have a beer and a sandwich".
The bar tender says "where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working on the building site across the road".
So the bar tender gets the duck a beer and a sandwich, and the duck pays him.
This goes on every lunch time for a few weeks.
One day a circus comes to town and the ringmaster drops in to the bar for a drink.
The bar tender says "you're from the circus aren't you?”
"Yes I am" says the ringmaster.
"Would you be interested in a duck that can talk?"
"Yes, talk. Perfect English".
"Well I sure would be if it's true" says the ringmaster.
Next day the duck comes in and orders a beer and a sandwich as usual.
The barman says to the duck "how would like a job at the circus? Great pay and lifestyle"
"The circus?" asks the duck. "With the great big canvas 'big-top'. And the animals in cages?"
"Yes" says the bartender.
The duck replies "what the f*ck would the circus want with a plasterer?"
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This one is for Troy.

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria), Coopers (South Australia) and Swan Brewery (Western Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB."

To which the boss of Coopers replied, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

The bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The bloke from Swan asked for a Swan Lager.

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head

"Well, he said with a shrug, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
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Some Teacher Stuff. Children writing about the ocean.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head.. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
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A couple who work at the travelling circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt.

The couple produces photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age and sex of child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon."

Boom, boom.
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An old priest lay dying in Woden's, Canberra Hospital. He had served
the people near the nation's capital, Manuka for many years.

He motioned for the nurse to come near.

"Yes father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I
die" whispered the priest.

"I will see what I can do" said the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a
response. Soon an answer came back; Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill
Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they were driven to the hospital in Malcolm's new BMW, Turnbull
commented to Shorten, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see
us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help our
re-election prospects."

Shorten agreed it was probably a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room the priest took Turnbull's hand
in his right hand and Shorten's hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Shorten spoke "Father of all people you could have chosen, why
did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life
and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Turnbull.

"Amen" replied Shorten.

The old priest continued, "Jesus Christ our saviour died between two
lying thieving bastards, and I wanted to do the same
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a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror - remembering her time with Bill Clinton.
Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help: "God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.
And just like that, her ears fell off. :grinroll::eyepoke:
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Everyone knows Foo.

A friend of mine named Foo once told me, around the time of Bill Clinton's 2nd inauguration, "You know, President Clinton and I are buddies."
I said, "Sure you are."
He said, "No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You'll see me."
Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Foo, talking to President Clinton with his arm around the guy.

Not long after, I was talking to Foo about how much I admired Johnny Depp as an actor. Foo said, "Oh, he's a good friend."
I said, "Noooo!"
Foo said, "Let's hop in my car". He drove me to the bar Johnny Depp owns, and as we sipped drinks, Johnny happened to walk by, immediately exclaimed "Foo!" and fell into Foo's arms.

This was getting spooky. Foo seemed to know everyone! I tested Foo with a few more people. We were back in the Bay Area. Foo was telling me he was buddy-buddy with Jerry Brown. We went to a Press Conference at Oakland City Hall, and just before Brown started answering questions, he said "I see my friend Foo out there."

Same kind of thing happened when we went to Bob Dylan's house and rang the bell. Bob answered the door, said "Foo!" gave my friend a big hug, and invited us in for drinks.

I was becoming a believer, but then one day we were having another conversation and Foo said something about "my friend the Pope."
I said, "You can't know him, too!"
Foo said, "Wanna bet?"
Foo happens to be very well off, so he flew the both of us to Rome. We took a cab to St. Peters Square. We were standing in the big crowd below the balcony of the Pope's apartment. Foo said, "Excuse me for a little while" and disappeared into the crowd.
A little while after that, John Paul appeared on the balcony and started blessing people. And who should be up there beside him guessed it!
I was utterly amazed! I nudged a fellow standing next to me, pointed to the balcony, and said, "Look!"
The guy shaded his eyes with his palm, peered up at the balcony, turned back to me, and said, "Who's that guy up there with Foo?"
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Bill Shorten was asleep in his house and awoke to see Menzies' ghost.

He asked, "Bob, how can I make this country better?"
Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did."
Shorten went back to sleep, this time he woke to an image of John Howard at the end of his bed. He asked,
John, how can I make this country better?
Howard said, "Be honest with the people like I was."
Again Shorten fell asleep and awoke this time to see Harold Holt and asked,
"Harold, how can I make this country better?
" Harold replied, "Go for a swim like I did!"
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A mans age according to a trip to Bunnings

A Man's Age --
as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
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Airport Bar

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"
He says "No, why the fluck you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No", I said,
"It's because you're drinking my beer, you little crunt."
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