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Joke Thread

367889 Views 3277 Replies 312 Participants Last post by  rgren2
Jokes !

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It
is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best
to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter
comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very
tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Looks like I'm off to the ASTON dealer Monday,I think one with chestnut velour trim

would be nice,SRS and cruise control,not sure about fly by wire.

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You are in top form,unfortunately I can't give more than one thumbs up !!


August 31

Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town ...that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It's Paradise !

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20

Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.

By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.

The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh.t.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant flamin blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and

tell me he needs to order parts from flamin Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the flamin air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the flamin air-conditioner fixed.

It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.

November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to throttle him.
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over,

my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat.
this place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
F. F. F.

November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and sunny.
It never f changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the

weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the pool.
The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 ' degrees today.
Now,the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the car up his ...e.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid person.
What kind of sick, demented, idiot would want to live here!

December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are kidding me!
Well,I got a chuckle out of that one,thanks, I worked out of Karratha on the Pannawonnica rail construction,yep it does get a bit toasty and the highlights of the day were catching the water spraying truck for a trackside cold shower of artesian water at about 0 deg c. Was that your diary ??

Yes, been fishing. Bit weary. It’s a hard life, but someone has to do it.
Yeh,bait the hook,cast the line,doze off, woken getting a tug,really hard time 💥

Envy does no become you.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It's my 99th best attribute but I'm working on it :giggle:

She was standing in the kitchen preparing 2 soft boiled eggs for breakfast, wearing only a 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all. Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained - 'The egg timer's broken!'
Is that where qik60 originates ? 😍
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OH SO TRUE,no I don't want to talk about it [ I just want to be the MARTYR ]
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The older I get,the earlier it gets late ! :sleep:
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Nearly as good a tale as some the government expect us to believe, 😉 how IS the election going Dan ??
These kits are increasingly popular,sold in the souveneer shops in Parliment houses across the country.
That seems to be the greatest non-secret ever.not his fault thou,should just play the game and enjoy the perks.
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once had to stand on the side of the road for 3 hours just for her to get a glimpse of her driving past with tampon charlie. :rolleyes:
Is that why she's -- EX ?
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