A man walks up to a drunk guy and says" hey, a black rooster is sitting on a fence, how many legs does it have?" The guy replies, "2" the man then says, " how many wings does it have?" The guy replies, "2" the man then says,"okay, how many eyes does it have?" The guy says,"2" then the man says,"ok, a white cat jumps on the fence, how many teeth does it have?" The guy thinks for a minute and says,"I don't know" then the man says,"so why do you know so much about black ****, and nothing about white PUSSY?"
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug.
Teacher asks the class to include 'Dough' in a sentence.
Little Mary says "My Uncle Makes the best home made bread with a special bread 'Dough'". "good one", replies Teach
Billy says "his friend down the road bragged about a pizza he had while holidaying in Italy, because it was made with traditional Pizza 'Dough'". "Also good", says the Teach.
Little Johnnie pipes up with a sad voice. "My Mummy doesn't love my Daddy any more, because i heard her tell Auntie Joan that she loves her Dil'Dough' more"--boom boom.
The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”
The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”
The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I almost got raped in jail today.
My family take Monopoly way too seriously.
My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”
She said, “How about now?”
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.
Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club.
Thank you all for coming.
A boy asks his Dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”
His Dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
What’s the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will search for a golf ball.
Why don’t foot fetishists ever win anything?
Because they like the taste of defeat.
What do a dog and a near-sighted gynaecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument over breakfast one morning.
As things got heated, the doctor shouted at his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and then he stormed out of the room and went to work.
A couple of hours later he was feeling guilty about what he’d said so he decided to call his wife to apologize.
There was a long delay before she finally answered. “What took you so long to answer?” asked the doctor.
“I was in bed,” replied his wife.
“What were you doing in bed at this time?” he asked.
“Getting a second opinion.”
They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.
I’ve just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.
It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.
It took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.
My girlfriend’s parents are very religious.
The first time I was at their house, her Dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.
It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.
Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up…
If you’re not in prison.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work. My parents forgot too and so did my kids. I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. I was really sad because everyone had forgotten my birthday!
But then as I walked into my office, my secretary smiled and said to me, “Happy birthday, boss!”
Because everyone else had forgotten, I felt so special so when my secretary asked me if I wanted to go for lunch with her I jumped at the chance.
After we’d eaten lunch, she invited me back to her apartment and again I jumped at the chance. When we got there, she asked, “Do you mind if I just go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“No problem, I’ll just wait here,” I said.
Five minutes later my secretary came back out of the bedroom with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”…
As much as I am resisting the urge to unleash with a torrent of unwarranted abuse and inappropriate commentary directed at noone in particular this is really a kind of serious issue. Let's refrain.
So really, R U Ok?
This thread is the yin for the yang of the "What cheeses you off" thread!
I'm sure that for everything that cheeses you off there's something that makes your day :)
I'll start it with mowing my lawn makes my day. Love the smell of fresh cut grass and the look of a smooth, well fertilised and...
SONG TITLES GAME/ use one word of a song to make another.
In this game you have to use one word of the current song title to make a new song title.
I type in the title "A day In the life" By The Beatles.
The next person types in "In this life" by Collin Raye.
"LIFE" being the word...
So post up the photos you have taken, I want to see the raw images, unprocessed, straight from the camera/phone etc.
Here is mine from one of the local dams down south in WA.
It is called Logue Brook Dam (Lake Brockman) - right near Harvey, my parents grew up skiing on the dam.
I have bought my...