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I Have Imaginary Friends
Patrol Hybrid.
12,137 Posts
A friend of mine, who has a stutter, was telling us about his nana.

By the time he was finished we were all singing Hey Jude

Premium Member
1,253 Posts
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his ~ censor ~ in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely………..

A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?

I Have Imaginary Friends
Patrol Hybrid.
12,137 Posts
A man walks up to a drunk guy and says" hey, a black rooster is sitting on a fence, how many legs does it have?" The guy replies, "2" the man then says, " how many wings does it have?" The guy replies, "2" the man then says,"okay, how many eyes does it have?" The guy says,"2" then the man says,"ok, a white cat jumps on the fence, how many teeth does it have?" The guy thinks for a minute and says,"I don't know" then the man says,"so why do you know so much about black ****, and nothing about white PUSSY?"

nissan patrol
2,824 Posts
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug.

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nissan patrol
2,824 Posts
Teacher asks the class to include 'Dough' in a sentence.
Little Mary says "My Uncle Makes the best home made bread with a special bread 'Dough'". "good one", replies Teach
Billy says "his friend down the road bragged about a pizza he had while holidaying in Italy, because it was made with traditional Pizza 'Dough'". "Also good", says the Teach.
Little Johnnie pipes up with a sad voice. "My Mummy doesn't love my Daddy any more, because i heard her tell Auntie Joan that she loves her Dil'Dough' more"--boom boom.

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nissan patrol
2,824 Posts
1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep ****.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?


13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

16. What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the **** out of you.

18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.

19. Why do vegetarians give good head?

Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.

21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

24. Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

26. What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me come in there!

27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

28. What’s another name for a vagina?

The box a penis comes in.

29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

****ing hot!

31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

33. How is life like a penis?

Your girlfriend makes it hard.

34. Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?


36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?


37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

39. Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

40. How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

41. What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

43. What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

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nissan patrol
2,824 Posts
I just had a near-sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”

The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”

The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I almost got raped in jail today.

My family take Monopoly way too seriously.

My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”

She said, “How about now?”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club.

Thank you all for coming.

A boy asks his Dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”

His Dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

What’s the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will search for a golf ball.

Why don’t foot fetishists ever win anything?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

What do a dog and a near-sighted gynaecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument over breakfast one morning.

As things got heated, the doctor shouted at his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and then he stormed out of the room and went to work.

A couple of hours later he was feeling guilty about what he’d said so he decided to call his wife to apologize.

There was a long delay before she finally answered. “What took you so long to answer?” asked the doctor.

“I was in bed,” replied his wife.

“What were you doing in bed at this time?” he asked.

“Getting a second opinion.”

They say make up sex is the best…

Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

I’ve just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.

It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.

It took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.

My girlfriend’s parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house, her Dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.
It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.

Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up…

If you’re not in prison.

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work. My parents forgot too and so did my kids. I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. I was really sad because everyone had forgotten my birthday!

But then as I walked into my office, my secretary smiled and said to me, “Happy birthday, boss!”

Because everyone else had forgotten, I felt so special so when my secretary asked me if I wanted to go for lunch with her I jumped at the chance.

After we’d eaten lunch, she invited me back to her apartment and again I jumped at the chance. When we got there, she asked, “Do you mind if I just go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“No problem, I’ll just wait here,” I said.

Five minutes later my secretary came back out of the bedroom with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”…

While I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

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2581 - 2600 of 2719 Posts