Jake and Mary were making passionate love in Jake's Transit van when suddenly Mary ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Jake, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Mary until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Mary notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and decides to go see the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Mary a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Jake let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
The Italian Test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.
She said. “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be, put down his shotgun, hugged me and said. “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
The story is about a couple who had a car accident. He wasn’t too badly injured, but she suffered some injuries including burns around her face when the car caught fire and they couldn’t get her out in time to prevent damage.
They fixed the rest of her injuries, leaving the issue of cosmetic skin grafts to fix the burns. They met with the specialist who reported that careful examination had revealed she didn’t have any other skin on her body compatible with her face suitable for grafts. He wasn’t sure what they could do.
The husband asked if he could donate some skin? The doctor replied that while it was unusual it was possible.
So they examined him, and found the skin on his buttocks was compatible with her facial skin. He agreed to go ahead with the procedures, and they swore each other to secrecy, fearing disclosure might be embarrassing.
When it was all finished she was delighted with the outcome. She looked more youthful than before, and her friends were very pleased for her. In a tender moment some time later she put her arm around her husband and said how pleased she was, and that she couldn’t thank him enough for his willingness to donate the skin for the grafts.
He replied, “no extra thanks is necessary, I get ample satisfaction each time I see your mother give you a kiss on the cheek!”
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
“No,” Obama said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, tied up spreadeagled on the bed. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said………..
“OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”
My Wife isn't talking to me, she said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how... I didn't even know it was her birthday.
I was so happy and content as I watched the wife drift off last night. Her dinghy's got a puncture and she's a poor swimmer.
A man tells his Rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live until eternity. What should I do?" "Get married" said the Rabbi. "Is it that simple? He said. Would that allow me to live forever?" He said. The Rabbi replied, "No but the desire will soon disappear."
Last night after a few beers my buddy asked if he could stay on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.
My wife said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At least that's what it says in her diary.
As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So, I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.
Wife to husband "Let's go out and have some fun tonight! Husband: "Ok, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."
Son: "Dad I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married 25 years."
Dad: "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
Wife accidentally hit our dog with her car. The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.
My buddy is thinking about asking his ex wife to re-marry him...But he's worried she will think he is just after her for his money.
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace panties. "Since when do you wear women's underwear?”
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out. And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my drinking buddies every night.
"My wife left a note on the fridge, ""It's not working. I can't take it any more, I'm going to my mum’s house!""
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about?"
The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from the Consulate at Bergen, Norway.
Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard of temperatures in the Arctic zone.
Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes. Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm.
Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared. Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.
Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coast cities uninhabitable.
I must apologise. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post 96 years ago. This must have been caused by the Model T Ford's emissions or possibly from horse and cattle farts.
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path.
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She called the police immediately to report the crime.
The police operations centre broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.
The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.
The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!