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Premium Member
Patrol Hybrid.
Joined
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11,888 Posts
Warty is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen

mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"


Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Warty. They look fine."
Warty slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:


=



=



=



=



=

Are - my - test - results - back?
biggrin
 

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Premium Member
Patrol Hybrid.
Joined
·
11,888 Posts
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Sharon Stone
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
Steve Jobs

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
Tiger Woods

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
Barbara Bush

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams
 

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Premium Member
Patrol Hybrid.
Joined
·
11,888 Posts
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?" "No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them." "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to **** out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
 

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Premium Member
Patrol Hybrid.
Joined
·
11,888 Posts
Harry and Meghan have achieved independence, outside their new home.
63DC020F-9FB2-4AE8-AF06-8DF1501F751F.jpeg
 

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just a good guy.
2009 gu crd ute
Joined
·
8,112 Posts
Just as well Mrs L is not your wife then.
 

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Premium Member
Patrol Hybrid.
Joined
·
11,888 Posts
Researchers for the University of NSW recently found over 500 dead crows, along the Highways, in Western NSW.

Everyone involved was concerned that these crows might have died from Avian Flu, so they had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows.

To everyone's relief, it was determined that the problem was definitely not the Avian Flu.

Instead, the cause of death looked to be from vehicular impacts.

During the detailed analysis of the crows, it was noted that there were varying colours of paints found on the birds' beaks and claws.
By analysing the paint residue, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by the impact of trucks, and only 2% were from impact with a car.
Upon receiving this information, NSW State Premier, Gladys Berejiklian hired an ornithological behaviourist,
to look into the cause for the disproportionate percentages of crows killed by trucks versus crows killed by cars.
The ornithological behaviourist came up with the answer very quickly.
The cause? When crows eat roadkill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn the other crows of impending danger.
While all the lookout crows could say the word "Cah," none of them could say "Truck."
 

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Every dog has his day
nissan
Joined
·
18,225 Posts
Just as well Mrs L is not your wife then.
Funnily enough I sent her that thing about not criticizing a bloke’s faults and she sent me this...

515623


Touché!!!

I was tempted to retort....

But I let it through to the keeper, I might be dumb but I’m not bloody stupid 🤪
 

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The Googlest, Apparently!
nissan patrol
Joined
·
16,598 Posts
I don't want to get technical or anything.

But according to chemistry alcohol IS a solution.

However, alcohol is not THE solution.

But it does make you forget the question.

And when compared to a woman both have similar effects.

They will give you pleasure at night,

And a headache in the morning...
 

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The Googlest, Apparently!
nissan patrol
Joined
·
16,598 Posts
Brains Of Britain


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with 'What A Wonderful World'?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song 'What A Wonderful World'?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO - MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. .. ...
Richard:
He makes bread . . ..
Contestant:
Er . .....
Richard:
He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:
Japan
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ..... Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)


Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ....
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:
Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.
 
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