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An oldie but still funny.




The English are feeling the pinch in relation to the recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
New addition to Australia
"Top up the dunny roll stash"
But still lower than cancel the barbie.....

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Patrol Hybrid.
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Probably been posted before, still funny.


I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night, minding my own business.

This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said,

"You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"

I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"

She said, "Yes, Ive got a pen".

I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you.

Cost me 6 stitches but, When you're over seventy ......... who cares ?


**

I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter,

"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "No... She's pretty good looking ....."

When you're over seventy ......... who cares?


***

I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but ... When you're over seventy ... who cares?



**

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then ... Try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,

"Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

It cost me a kick in the nuts, but When you're over seventy ........ who cares?


*


I got caught taking a pee in the municipal swimming pool today.

The attendant shouted at me so loudly, through a loud hailer - I nearly fell in.

When you're over seventy...............who cares?


**

I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs !"

The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but When you're over seventy ........ who cares?
 

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GUII ZD30DI Wgn
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A good old funny sketch from a 50's movie.
 

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Danny Kaye, remember him well.
 

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Prince Charles is isolated with Covad19.
Meanwhile, Prince Andrew is isolated with Jenny 14.
 

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Prince Charles is isolated with Covad19.
Meanwhile, Prince Andrew is isolated with Jenny 14.
Did you hear the royal family are now affected by the virus.
They announced yesterday that Charles has gone into lockdown with COVID19.......................
and Andrew is in lockdown with Jenny, 14.
Come on rg keep up with the program.:rolleyes::LOL:
 

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Yeh,bait the hook,cast the line,doze off, woken getting a tug,really hard time 💥

Cheers,G
Envy does no become you.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
 

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Do it now


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On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 

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Not actually a joke, but in many ways it is, I'm on a big US 4x4 forum and someone started a thread about lockdowns and how this was illegal and no martial law had been declared, I didn't read the whole thing but around 10 posts in someone with at least a modicum of brains posted this.

"Be the test dummy...go outside and drive around until the NJ State Police pull you over. Tell them you are just trying to see what happens when you are just acting a fool and not listening to the Executive Order Murphy issued. Let us know how it works out".

Well said.
 
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