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GQ Wagon TB42S
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VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".


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Nissan MK,GQ & now GU.
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Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Cooktown.
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timer's Bar - all drinks 10 cents!
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?' There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced Martinis…….. shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.' The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other……..they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent Martinis are produced and the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please. They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two Martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?' 'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.' Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their Martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all grey nomads from the caravan park, waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.
 

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A man walks into the Election office and says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."
The receptionist replied: "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form."
He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you
circumcised?"
So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question really necessary?"
She replied: "Sir, I'm sorry, but if you are circumcised, you aren't eligible to run for election".
He asked, "What possible difference would it make if I were circumcised?"
She replied...."It's quite simple, sir - To become a politician, you have to be a complete *****"! ...


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The Googlest, Apparently!
nissan patrol
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Forget Newton and Galileo...Here are the REAL LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6.Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach..

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.
 

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I Have Imaginary Friends
Patrol Hybrid.
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17,340 Posts
Jack, 92, and Jill, 89, living in Nelson, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "I am."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely.. why-"

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "yea, but why-"

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?" Pharmacist: "Sure. But WHY?"

Jack: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding registry."
 

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I Have Imaginary Friends
Patrol Hybrid.
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17,340 Posts
You might be an Patrol owner if:

You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.

At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

You can quote scenes from any Monte Python movie.

You can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting.

You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the special effects.

You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You know what << http:// >> stands for.

You look forward to Christmas so you can put together the kids' toys.

You see a good design, and have to change it.

You still have your slide rule and know how to use it.

You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

You window shop at Radio Shack.

Your laptop computer cost more than your car.

You've already calculated how much you make per second.

You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
 
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I Have Imaginary Friends
Patrol Hybrid.
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17,340 Posts
🙄🤣🤣
This is why (a Senior?) should listen to their Doctor's instructions.

I went to my nearby Chemist, straight to the back where the Pharmacist's counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Seeing a Senior Citizen the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face, spat it out on the floor and started coughing.

When he finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "NO WAY."

I said, "Oh thank God! That's a relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar."

I can never go back to that chemist but I really don't care because they aren't very friendly there anymore.
 

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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
 

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I Have Imaginary Friends
Patrol Hybrid.
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17,340 Posts
At the Saturday morning service the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says: "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "F**K him."
 
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