Patrol 4x4 - Nissan Patrol Forum banner
3121 - 3140 of 3172 Posts

·
Premium Member
nissan
Joined
·
1,290 Posts
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show
in a small town in Tasmania .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...
pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this mate! I'm talking to the little smart arse on your lap!"
 

·
I Have Imaginary Friends
Patrol Hybrid.
Joined
·
21,850 Posts
An oldie, but a goodie.

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
 

·
The Googlest, Apparently!
NP300
Joined
·
16,277 Posts
Out of the mouth of babes.

My wife and I love dinner parties and one night we hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All through dinner one of our friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally, I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her odd behaviour, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
 

·
The Googlest, Apparently!
NP300
Joined
·
16,277 Posts
I don't usually do dad jokes, but what the hey, it's not bad, as dad jokes go...

TWO PRAWNS:

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally, one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Kristian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
.



scroll down.



.

.

.

.

.

.

.



.

.

.
.
.
'I've found Cod. I'm a
Prawn again Kristian'
 

·
Administrator
Y2KGUII ZD Wgn
Joined
·
56,163 Posts
I don't usually do dad jokes, but what the hey, it's not bad, as dad jokes go...

TWO PRAWNS:

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally, one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Kristian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
.



scroll down.



.

.

.

.

.

.

.



.

.

.
.
.
'I've found Cod. I'm a
Prawn again Kristian'
Couldn't help myself, I sent that to several friends and posted it on my fakebook page, even a very religious lady I worked with in the US loved it. Funniest joke in the history of the world, loved it, my wife is getting sick of me walking around saying the punch line. Thanks for sharing DB 👍😂
 

·
Registered
Nissan MK,GQ & now GU.
Joined
·
3,328 Posts
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
 

·
I Have Imaginary Friends
Patrol Hybrid.
Joined
·
21,850 Posts
On Fathers day, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man (on a

nearby reservation) who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile

dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder, warned

‘This is a powerful medicine’.

You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your

life, and you can perform for as long as you want.’

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked:

‘How do I stop the medicine from working?’

"Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, ‘but when she does, the

medicine will not work again until the next full moon.’

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,

took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in

the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: ‘1-2-3!’

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began

throwing off her clothes, and asked: ‘What was the 1-2-3 for?’

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a

preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 

·
I Have Imaginary Friends
Patrol Hybrid.
Joined
·
21,850 Posts
An oldie, but a goodie.
Love in the Aisle



Ill never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me.



I gave her a loving smile and said, Get that trolley over here, Love. Theyre doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2!!
 

·
Administrator
Y2KGUII ZD Wgn
Joined
·
56,163 Posts
Dad Joke.
What do you call a Greek rolling down a hill?
Condescending
 
3121 - 3140 of 3172 Posts
Top